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blt2333





Name: Barb
Location: Buenos Aires
Contact: blt2333 at yahoo.
Play Music:


.SSR's artists,-Stanton Street Records.
.Let's do it again- Julia Darling.
.Photographs, - Julia Darling.
.'The Island', 'So Says the Whipporwill'. - Richard Shindell.
.Canción Sencilla, Lyric, - Richard Shindell.
.I think it's gonna rain today,- Norah Jones. From npr.org.


Sum ups of my past months



The cruel reality..

cause I always sit next to someone breast feeding or eating a hot dog.

POST FROM Thursday, March 06, 2003

MY SOUL IS CRASHED

Today was one of those days you live to remember forever. Of course there are two kind of days to remember, the first class is the happy wonderful kind and the second one are the kind you think you had never lived such a painfull experience before in your life. Which doesn't mean you haven't, but the whole moment seems like you haven't. You wonder what you can say to someone to make their pain just a little bit smaller. Although you know it's not gonna help them..you say the most stupid soul meant things but then u crashed because of course that wasnt gonna help them.


The thing is that my aunt called at noon and said if she could ask me a favor. She needed me to go and pick her up in front of her house cause she had lost her keys maybe in some of the schools she works or at some of the 3 buses she had taken in the morning.
I had never seen my aunt like that, she was hysterically upset, screaming inside my car blaming herself for being such an airhead. But between her yelling and desperation she said that her life was a mess, that she had never been so sad, angry, frustrated and heart broken.
I was listening to her while we were driving and we got to the neighbourhood she teaches. OH MY DEAR GOD, i've never realized she worked teaching a lot of poor kids, when i say poor it's less than that. I didn't even know that that place existed in the first place. Between being worried about my car's security and trying to calm her down, my mind didnt work a hundred percent if u know what i mean. I couldn't give her a good advice at all. And now im feeling like shit or worst.
So now we got to her school, i stayed watching the car and she looked for her keys there. Nothing. Then she called some other teachers and one of them said "Oh yes, this aint my keys, I guess I took yours and left mines there" what an asshole!! We went to her house pick the fucking keys and then as she was running late to her other job she asked me if i could take her.
I really didnt know there were such poor neighbourhoods in Buenos Aires, seriously, it took us 20 minutes to get to the other and she was worried if I could make it home again. Then she started crying.
I asked her whats wrong and finally she told me her 18 years old dog, Floopy, had passed away. She explained all he meant for her. My family gave her that dog, and she always said how that was the greatest gift ever. I didnt know what to say to her. All I could breath out was "you really need to give it time" and "im sorry". Im such an asshole myself. Then she continue talking about how Floopy was her buddy, that when she fought with her husband the only one she could talk to was him. Felt like shit again. And that she doesnt love her other animals like she loves Floopy. She also blames his veterinarian for not taking good care of him, not caring about him because she called her millons of times, and finally went to a different one who read all his studies and said he needed to stay right away there. He was hospitalized for 8 days and died 2 days ago.
By then we were finally at her other school, much more poor than the other one.
And I got home fine, nobody mugged me but im feeling like i was beated up for six hours :(


Yes this is one of those days I wont never ever forget. I dont think I should.
First, I failed to someone I really care about, didnt know what to say to ease her pain.
Second, I am always hearing about people who wants to go and be doctors in Africa or teachers in really poor areas, I even consider them heros. But somehow my whole issues with my family and my inside needs to get the hell out, had been blinding me these years. Today i can say what a great soul my aunt has. Third, What a narcisistic bitch I am. I really hope i can stop making such a big deal out of everything and start making big deal about the ones I care. And I know I cant change, u know why, because I couldnt say to her that I loved her. I just couldnt. Why is it so HARD?..... I hope she knows it.

posted by Barbara 7:25 PM

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8/13/05 - It's probably not a great idea not to go to your medical appoitment when you get the best job they could have probably offered you, just because you want to mantein that perfect record of never taking a blood test.

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